A Weekend amongst the Bladders

Great news from Bladder Hall! Yet another brilliant new initiative from the ever resourceful B-Ws!

We have long been famed for hosting wonderful weekend house parties (just ask Totty Grunt- Wittering and any of the Tremble-Bottomley clan).

So we’ve decided to throw our doors open to paying guests!

Now you too can experience the warmth of a Bladder welcome by booking your weekend with us at bedandbladders.com.

Here is an outline of what you can expect and I look forwarding to meeting you at Bladder HQ very soon:

Friday Evening

On arrival, you will be greeted with cocktails. I recommend Douglas’ latest invention, The Eviscerator, a mix of gin, vodka, more gin, and a dash of turps!

After that is a guided tour of Bladder Hall with moi:

  • See the Bladder ancestors’ portraits hanging in the Long Gallery.

  • Visit the haunted East Wing.

  • Lose yourself in books in the Very Long Library.

  • Wander through the Elizabethan West Wing and the Victorian Gothic North by North West Wing.

  • Marvel at the china and porcelain in the Very, Very Long Drawing Room.

  • And finally enjoy an informal supper with your fellow guests and the B-Ws in the Very, Very, Very Long Dining Room.

Saturday

Saturday really is the best day of the week at Bladder Hall and is usually spent:

  • in the great outdoors,

  • breathing in lungsful of glorious fresh air,

  • admiring the stunning local views,

  • enjoying a hearty picnic lunch

  • killing as many of God’s creatures as possible.

Bladder Hall has great shooting and fishing, so I suggest you give both a try during your stay.

After the unfortunate mishap with the beater, Douglas no longer shoots, but one of my sons, Johnny or Toby will be on hand to guide you. Guns, cartridges and first aid kit are provided.

And since Rollo Hackett-Blackett filled Douglas’ waders with tapioca pudding, he hasn’t been fishing either but I cast a good line so will happily get you started on our stretch of the lovely River Eden.

And if shooting ’n’ fishing are not your thing then I suggest a trip to a local landmark with our very own historian and naturalist … or is it naturist? I can never remember … Dick Slightly-Ord. One of his favourite haunts is the stone circle known as Long Meg, where Dick will discuss, and even demonstrate, the ancient Pagan rituals that went on there.

Anyone with any energy left after all of that can take a bracing dip in Bladder Lake, or pay a visit to the tennis courts, or to Totty Grunt-Wittering who could always do with help propagating in one of the greenhouses.

Dinner will generally incorporate whatever you managed to kill earlier in the day, after which Douglas will recount the local legends of the Croglin Vampire and the Renwick Cockatrice. But be warned! These tales are not for the faint hearted.

As an after dinner alternative, Totty is offering to run strip poker in the Summer House, but you will need to book this in advance so she can get her thong ironed.

Sunday

Sunday begins with a guided walk through our stunning Cumbrian countryside led by Dick Slightly- Ord, followed by a jolly good English brunch featuring our local peppery Cumberland sausage back at Bladder Hall.

A word of warning - getting a cooked meal on a Sunday depends on whether Mrs Boothby, the housekeeper, has embarked on any further industrial action. Apparently, her grievance is my refusal to dedicate a blog post to her union - The Unappreciated Domestic Drudges Exacting Revenge Society or UDDERS for short.

If she is on strike, then it’s a bowl of cereal and a mug of tea with Douglas and Totty who will show you what they’ve been up to in the gardens and greenhouses at Bladder HQ.

And to take home…

Before departure each guest will receive a gift bag of Bladder Hall goodies including:

  • seasonal garden produce,

  • a couple of feet of Cumberland sausage,

  • booze from bladdered.com,

  • Mrs Boothby’s revolutionist manifesto,

  • and a bottle of room spray so you can create the Bladder Hall ambiance in your own home.

It’s my latest enterprise, whiffofbladders.com. Geranium, Gin and Old Socks or Tobacco and Wet Dog are my favourites.

Until next time…

Maggie B-W